February 21st, 2019
So as you can see from the title, this date did not go well. I am talking looking for excuses to leave bad.
Boy #5 was found from Hinge. He was the exact opposite of my type. I thought this will probably be the guy that sweeps me off my feet and we fall madly in love since he isn’t normally a guy I would go for. He was a little huskier, opposite of my usually preferred lanky guys. He also was very much into sports and a “college football coach”. Side note about me: I know absolutely nothing about football, nor do I care to know anything. The boys at work think it’s fun to quiz me on all things sports related. I have started memorizing some answers to their quizzes but other than that I’m clueless.
We get to the bar and we order our drinks. He tells me about how he played football at some college, that I never heard of, but he hurt his shoulder or something and could never play again. Bummer. So he transferred to Texas Tech and joined a frat. He asked me what sorority I was in at OU, and he acted like he was impressed. Which every fraternity and sorority have different reputations at every school so this bitch had no idea. Also why are we talking about Greek life, I have been graduated for two years and he has been graduated for even longer. But he did not forget to tell me that his frat was the best on campus and obviously threw the best parties with the hottest girls.
We sit down at a table and he starts talking right away. I am also a talker, some would say I talk to much, but this man out talked me. He went on and on and on ALL ABOUT HIMSELF. He bragged about how his dad is the football coach at the school Friday Night Lights is based off of (Was your dad in the show? no? Hm then I don’t care). He bragged about is grandparents wealth and how they live in the richest part of Dallas, Texas. He added that his grandparents have another home in Terrytown (the richest neighborhood in Austin, TX). This whole time I’m just nodding and pretending to be interested in his family’s money. Which maybe I would have been interested if it was his own money but there’s too many people involved when it comes to grandparents cash.The thing is this guy came right out of the gates with this self-obsessed nonsense and I quickly realized we had NOTHING in common. AKA I don’t like football and I don’t have rich AF grandparents.
The dating app, Hinge, got brought up and he asked me how many dates I have been on from the app. I couldn’t tell him the truth that he was date #5 in two months, so I lied, you know like a liar. I said, “Oh, just a few! I haven’t been on the apps too long.” With that he replied, “Oh yea I hate the dating apps. They are so awkward. I only recently downloaded them because I had a long-term girlfriend, but she ended things a couple months ago…” and this is where he lost me. Clearly this girl had the right idea dumping this guy. Then he starts in on the last first date he had and continues to tell me about how hot she was, but it didn’t work out. I BET SHE DUMPED HIM TOO!
At this point I am only an hour in…. We order one more drink. I like to give these guys a fair chance, they get the lesser of two hours or two drinks. I mean maybe this guy can redeem himself.
He continues to talk about himself. All about how he is a graduate assistant at Texas State University (which I ask the boys at work about this and they inform me that he is not a coach really at all. He is indeed just a graduate coaching assistant. LAME). This entire time this man has NOT ONCE asked me about my job, where I am from, my life, or anything about myself. The only thing he knows is that I was a Tridelt at OU. Still talking about football and how his schedule is so busy and hectic, he finally asks if I like football. Yes my time to shine, so I answer, “No, don’t know too much about it.” I answered no because I thought this would show him the lack of things we have in common and we could get the hell out of here.
Except this was the wrong move because now he tries to tell me about football and go further in depth of what he does at work as a GA. Cool cool cool yea do not care in the slightest. So I really couldn’t even tell you what he does or wants to do because I stopped listening.
I run to the bathroom to text my friends. It has been an hour and half. This date was going horrible. I gotta chug my drink and get the heck out of here. I cannot listen to another minute of this guy bragging about himself. I try to stall in the bathroom before going back out to this nightmare.
The good news is that I have plenty of time to drink my drink since this guy will not let me get a word in. Not that I have anything to add. I am finishing the last of my drink, I can see the finish line.
“Do you want another drink?”, he asks as I slurp on the remnants. “No, I am good! I actually drove here so I shouldn’t.” Which reminds me of an important detail of the story that I left out. I don’t Google my dates. I don’t want to know much about them in order to get an unbiased first impression. Well, the boys at work Googled this guy. Turns out he has a DWI (Driving While Intoxicated) mug shot and everything. What a winner.
I am trying to get myself out of this date. I gotta go! “Hey, do you want to grab something to eat? I am starving, I have only had a handful of almonds all day! I really go into hibernation in the winter and get kinda puffy. But in the summer I just shed it all away. I am like a new person. So I haven’t eaten much today. Gotta get that summer bod ready!”I kid you not he said those words to me. I can’t make this up.
“No, I gotta go let my dog out! He has been inside all day!”, I lie again. Why would I want to date a guy who only eats handfuls of almonds all day? I cannot relate in the slightest. I eat all my meals and then some. A guy on a diet cannot be fun to date. Dating is all about drinking and eating.
So with that he called an uber. I thanked him for the drinks. He said he had a good time. Of course he had a good time, I just listened to him talk about himself for two hours! I said goodbye and rushed in the other direction.
I decided to really branch out and go on a date with someone who I normally wouldn’t choose, and it came to bite me in the ass. In a romance novel, Boy #5 would have been a keeper, but this isn’t a romance novel, it is my sad reality. With that being said, I think I am going to try to find some guys that I actually have things in common with, instead of trying to be a star in a Rom Com.
Three strikes you’re out date #5! See ya never.