June 19th, 2019
At this point in my dating research I had gotten obsessed with marking date numbers off my list. I wasn’t taking into consideration who I was picking. I had started to become a dating monster. I was swiping left and right on hundreds of boys a day looking to find my next victim. I was preying on the weaker guys that I felt would definitely take me on a date. I didn’t want to risk the fear of rejection on the boys I thought I might have a genuine connection with, or the boys I thought I might be too “cool” for me. Instead I was luring in innocent guys who I knew would say yes to a date. I would go on the date have an okay time and then basically never talk to them again. My co-workers were right, I was chewing up these boys and spitting them right back out.
Date #10 was no different. He was a very nice, nerdy guy. He worked at the capital and was well-versed in all things politics (not really my thing but whatever floats your boat). It was the normal 8:30 pm drinks at a rooftop bar in downtown Austin. We chatted for approximately 2 hours before I told him goodnight and went on my marry way. I left feeling frustrated and disappointed. It isn’t until now that I have realized that the frustration and disappointment was my fault. I was picking guys I was not excited about. I wasn’t looking forward to this date, I felt like it was more of a chore. I had lost sight in why I was doing these 19 dates in the first place.
It took me three or so boys to realize that I was the reason these dates were just meh. The dating apps offer you hundreds of boys and I was picking boys I wasn’t even excited about going on a date with. I was expecting these men to do some magical and blow me out of the water, impressing me and thus falling madly in love. That just isn’t how life works, maybe in the movies, but definitely not in real life.
After date #10 I made a deal with myself that the remaining nine dates have to be with guys I am actually excited about meeting. I realized I was scared to go on a date with a “hot” guy, in the fear that he would think I was a weirdo or worse, I would like him and he would ghost me. Which are all valid points of fear, as this did happen to me a couple times in high school, but the good news is this isn’t high school anymore and most people really appreciate the weirdness in other people. Somewhere deep down inside I knew this stemmed from the fear of getting my heart broken again.
I think my mind set was this: I go on a date with a cute, dog loving, career driven, tall man with his life in order, I fall madly in love on the first date (ya know, like a princess does), I become a crazy girl – texting him constantly and wanting to be attached to his hip, he is into it for about 4 dates, then he breaks things off, I cry for 10 years straight thinking… no… knowing he was the one that got away.
Now I know this scenario is crazy but it legitimately worries me! I know that the likelihood of that scenario is almost 0 (knowing myself) but I am not quite sure why it worries me so much… this must be a topic I need to break down with my therapist at our next session. She will probably tell me, “You are jumping to conclusions too early on… You need to go day by day”. Her usual advice to me, since I am an anxiety driven 24 year old. Not unlike most of us out there.
All in all, I have figured out that I have to make the dates worth my time or else I don’t learn anything about myself or what I want in a potential partner. In June, I had to reset my boy crazed mind to remind myself why I am doing these 19 dates. The 19 dates are supposed to teach me about myself, show me what I value in a potential partner, and remind myself that my value is not in my ability to find a partner, it is in how I perceive myself.